This is not a good combination now is it? I'm so upset about it! Yesterday for what seems the one millionth time, I went to the workout place and attempted to exercise. Shortly I was nearly incapacitated by light-headedness. I attempted to just walk on the track a bit, and found my feet all wobbly and uncoordinated. Salt? I'd had enough to stun an ox. Water? Plenty! Snacks? Yes! I really am at a loss. And meanwhile, my pants are growing ever tighter– coincidence? I think not.
I also had a couple unpleasant epiphanies yesterday. One, while driving… I began to experience this extreme sleepiness that so often overcomes me. Generally I chalk it up to actual sleep deprivation, from which I've been suffering since roughly 2002 when Isaac was born. However, looking at the facts, actually the boys have been sleeping fairly well of late. Isaac sleeps like a log now. And even Elias has been giving me at least a decent 6-7 hours a night. I could always use a bit more, but who couldn't? What struck me yesterday was that I suddenly had a frame of reference for this particular type of sleepiness– the tilt table. This is what I felt while tilted– crushing sleepiness, over powering tiredness. It's not what I would expect "fainting" or (new fancy term) "syncope" to feel like.
So this brings to mind the fact that on Monday I went to renew my driver's license, and they asked me directly, "Do you have epilepsy or a fainting disorder that effects your ability to drive?" And I said no. But even as I said it, I thought, you know what… I think I actually DO have that. But the implications of saying so, and then perhaps not being able to drive, this is totally impossible to fathom in my car-centered suburban life. What would I do? Hire a chauffeur for the children? And I haven't ever had that sort of thing come upon me without warning, so I do maintain that driving is safe for me, my charges, and the other people on the road.
So then I remembered something else– this is not new. This has been a part of life from the get-go. I just didn't know what it was, or that other people didn't all feel this way. I just thought I was lazy, slow, sleepy, cold, and exercising was miserable… low blood pressure causes all of that. Then I remembered something else– something I totally forgot to tell the doctor when she asked me this– there have been three other occasions in my life where I have actually collapsed and hit the ground unconscious. I just chalked them up to sun, too much of it.
1) In Holland on the beach when I was 16. I was waiting in a line and keeled over. I remember being curled up under some hedge when a lady came and said to me in German, which I don't speak, something like "du beist nicht gut?" Too much sun– dehydration?
2) In Kenya (doesn't think make me seem well-travelled? Which I'm not!) at 19, I was riding on a bus on the coast and found myself fantasizing about eating handfuls of salt. This should have been a tip off– but then (I was alone) I was riding (beside the bus) on this flat, no-railing ferry across a river teaming, so it seemed, with huge crocodiles, and feeling very weak, tired and faint, no knowing what was going to happen. And then I was on the ramp on the other bank, and bent over, trying to steady myself. I looked up at the concerned Kenyan man looking down at me and saw him in negative– he was white and the sky was black. then I passed out– worrying as I went what they would do to rescue me and whether I would get some dread parasite if they poured river water in my mouth. But they didn't. Someone wisely got me salty cashews, which grew there and were sold all over the place, and a huge green coconut, which must have held a quart of juice– clean, too. I was revived and totally grateful and went on without thinking about it.
3) Somewhere in Minnesota, when I was out surveying with my uncle John. From his perspective I was standing far away in a field of tall grass (helping him for the day to earn a little money), holding this measuring stick. He looked at it through his surveying instrument and turned away to write down the numbers. Then he looked back and I was just gone. He scanned the entire area to the horizon with his surverying instrument, and I was simply nowhere. From my perspective I just got more and more tired until I crumpled and was lying down in the tall grass. I was going in and out of consciousness. Creepy crawly bugs were crawling around on me, under my clothes, and then I was "asleep" again. After a while I heard John walking towards me– trying to estimate where I had been and pace it out to find me. He was whistling in a nervous fashion and soon found me. I told him I thought I'd had too much sun, and he went running off at a trot. He came back with a canteen and poured it over my head, gave me some to drink and got me revived. Then we called it a day– we stopped at a gas station and he bought me a very large gatorade, after which I was back to normal.
Now, that was when I was maybe 22 or something, and this has not happened since. But I think it has not happened only because I learned that I "can't handle the sun" — What I'm thinking now is that it's not so much that I can't handle the sun, but that I DO have sudden drops in blood pressure, and I DO need tons of salt and fluids to keep that from a happening. Being in the sun surely makes it worse, but that's not the underlying matter. I forgot all this until yesterday, when I was in the grocery store with Elias, and having the worst white-knuckle time staying vertical, clinging the cart for dear life. Suddenly all this popped into my mind and my whole life began to make sense. This is how I've always been– it's only gotten much more exaggerated in the last six months. But it's not new.
So– ear infection causes labrynthitis, which triggers migraine syndrome in the form of dizziness and weird sensory input issues (e.g., shoes!), which exacerbates? an underlying low-blood pressure problem which has always been there, causing a total train wreck of dizziness and a real diagnostic muddle that goes on for months and months!
But if this is true, then we are getting to the good part: the cure. Now that I have this all laid out in my mind it seems a painfully long wait until January 25 when I get to go and do the testing to (one hopes) learn the cause of the low blood pressure and one hopes (!!) cure it! I have this ray of hope now– that I could, between the migraine diet, and the cure (drugs? transfusions? I don't know) for the low blood pressure, actually have my life back to normal!
Then, as is so often the case, I started getting greedy: maybe if we cure the low blood pressure that has been part of my life since day one, I would actually be better than normal! I mean, I would have energy and get-up-and-go like other people. And I could get into shape and get into skinny jeans! Now that's a happy thought.
One the other hand I'm harboring other fears… what if I have some horrible blood production bone marrow disorder and this is all just the tip of the iceberg?
Best not think about it.
In any case, although this is surely a huge hassle, I do think we're closing in on a solution. While I'm not looking forward to the radioactive isotope thingy and the IVs and blood, blood, blood on January 25, I am really REALLy looking forward to the answers that the test might — could– provide.